Long time

Oh dear it has been a long time since I've been on here. Let's see whats new. Surprisingly nothing. Anywho lets get back to critiquing shall we. On today's agenda: Dante's Inferno

To start because I know it will come up. Yes it is a GOW rip off, deal with it. There's tons of other games like that, shut up. Now on to the actual game. The graphics on this game are un-fuckin-believable. The entire game runs seamlessly on one loading screen. Fabulous. The game play is very standard with your hack and slash weapon and your long range gun-ish thing. But it still makes for a very enjoyable game. The story line is very compelling, if you haven't read the Divine Comedy get on that, its really good. Teh upgrade system is sort of inventive. As the game progresses you run across shade, historical figures mad famous for their sins, and you have the change to absolve them or punish them. Doing so grants you either holy upgrade or unholy upgrade. The more of either you gather the more levels and moves are opened up. You then spends souls, the basic red orb type thing from all games like this, and spend them on the moves. The boss fights are really incredible and require a little bit of strategy. The game is excessively brutal and graphic. There are penis' everywhere along with breasts. The finishing move on some of the bosses, are so incredibly brutal that I cant believe this game was able to garner only a M rating. One of the only gripes I had was that the "minion" characters, the little dudes that piss you off, take way to much damage for their role in this game. Overall I'd say it was a very enjoyable game that gave me a nice warm up for GOW3, expect to see the next two books of the Comedy made into games as well.

12 out of 14

"I'm not locked in here with you, you are all locked in here with me"

The Dark Knight

Fantastic, if I had to use one word to describe this movie that would it. This movie was absolutely fan-fuckin-tastic, its very hard to describe in coherent sentences about how I feel about this movie. Heath Ledger was absolutely amazing as the Joker and easily out-classed the Nicholson Joker of old. This movie made Batman Begins look this a piece of shit, well in my opinion it wasnt that good in the first place but, anyways, Christian Bale as Batman sort of irks me because of the thing he does with his lips when he talks, makes me not want to look at him. The movie jumps right in without any consideration for whether or not you know anything about Batman, which is good so we dont have to deal with any backstory. The Scarecrow shows up at the beginning of the movie for no apparent reason, I found that really bothersome as they just threw him in there and then didnt do anything else with him the rest of the movie. This incarnation of Joker was a complete psychopath with zero regard for life or anyones safety at all. They do not give him a backstory which is awesome because it surprisingly adds depth to the character, as well as making him more mysterious. Nicholson's Joker looks like a complete pussy compared to Heath's. I dont want to say too much about the plot so as not to spoil anything, but if you anything about the comics then you know that Harvey Dent is an important character. I cant really say enought about how awesome this movie was. The action was amazing and the new bat-gadgets were sweet, I want the sticky bomb timer thing! The Bat-sonar made me really disoriented, which after sitting for over 2 hours made me really uncomfortable. I find it very stupid that Batman is able to fall from absurd hights without any bodily damage. There was at least 3 occasions that he fell from at least 3 stories with no damage. There will be a third movie as a bunch of people are under contract for a trilogy. The big issue is whether or not the Joker will make a re-apperance as Heath is dead. The Riddler will most likely be the villian in the next one, there is a hint towards it as one of the characters names is Mister Reese, "mysteries", so there is a good chance that he will be the Riddler in the next one. My one issue is if Heath Ledger wins a posthumous Oscar, will it be because his preformance deserved it or is because he's dead? So we'll see where that goes. Also I felt there was alor of people in the theater who would otherwise have not gone to this movie only did because Heath Ledger is dead. Oh well such is life.
Overall score 11/10, yes it was that awesome.
-I have to...................... "Why so serious?"

Hellboy II: The Golden Army

Went out to see Hellboy II tonight, I really enjoyed the first one so I figured what the fuck lets go see the second one. I really enjoyed the film and had a good time watching it. Overall the movie was very riveting and had its funny points which broke up the tension between action scenes. Directed by Guillermo Del Toro, who to my knowledge has yet to make a bad movie, it was very stylishly done and kept the audience enthralled by the lighting fast action scenes as well as the dialogue. The story line follows Hellboy as he tries to stop the Elven Prince from retrieving all three pieces of the legendary crown and awakening the Golden Army to destroy the humans. Straying from the first movie he introduces a whole underground world of elves, golbin and other mythical creatures that live literally right beneath out feet. Ron Perlman reprises as the lovable red behemoth who protects our world without our knowledge. We get to see the sensitive side of Hellboy as well when he is forced to do somethinghe does not want to, I liked this as it broke up the action and made Hellboy more human instead of just being a crime fighting demon. The action sequences in this movie were fantastic and were really stylistically done, Del Toro really knows what he is doing when it comes to directing an action sequence. He was able to think of some very innovative creatures along with deaths to go along with some of them. He also seems to have a fixation with creatures who eyes where they shouldnt be, as seen in Pan's Labyrinth and Hellboy. There was a part that indicated a possible third movie, so we'll see where that goes. Overall I really enjoyed this movie, my one huge problem with it was young Hellboy, his mouth didnt match up with his words and he was rather annoying overall, other than that I had a great time and recommended this one highly.
Rating: 8/10
-My body is a temple, fuck that its a carnival.

Wanted

I went out to see Wanted on Wednesday fully expecting an unrealistic action flick that is a good escape for a while, and boy did it deliver. Wanted is about a young man about our age who finds out that he is the son of the greatest assassin in the world and is now being recruited to join The Fraternity, a group of assassins. After much persuasion he decides to join and has to go through rigorous training before he is allowed to kill. They teach him many different skills such as curving the bullets and being able to pick other bullets out of the sky by shooting them down. He eventually gets to kill people and the movie progresses from there when he tries to kill the man who killed his father. Of course there are twists and such, which i wont reveal for obvious reasons. Overall the movie was very well made with good action sequences and stylized fight scenes. In the end though the movie makers overused some of the coolest action parts way to fucking much. Almost every bullet shot was either curved or shot out of the sky by another bullet. I mean comon give us something else. Its a rather graphic movie with some really awesome death scenes, it also has its fair share of comedy, when the comedy does actually show up its well placed and got many laughs from the audience. It was cast very well, but they left some huge plot points open, for example they introduce a character and then explain nothing about him, as well the Loom of Fate which tells the assassins which targets to kill works in binary code, but the monks who started The Fraternity started it 1000 years ago. Monks knowing binary? I think not.
Overall rating 7.5/10 for overuse of action scenes as well as unexplained points.
-Shoot THIS muther fucker!

Trigun

Ok this is for all you Trigun fans out there. With the new announcement of the live action Dragonball movie I was thinking who would be good to play parts in a live action Trigun movie, so far I have Edward Nortan as the preacher. Discussion and ideas please, the actor who plays Vash needs to be very widely talented as he needs to go from goofy to dead serious in a second and also be psyhcotic as he will be playing Knives as well. Go at it.
-Ladies and gentlemen may I have your attention please, testicles, that is all.

HSM2

*Stabs eyes out and puts firecrackers in ears*
0/10
-What?

Kung Fu Panda

Went to see Kung Fu Panda today with my little brother, I was expecting it to be a lame kids movie but I really enjoyed it. At the beginning we see Po, played by Jack Black, wake up and meet his father who is clearly not his father as they are of different species. Through a series of events Po gets chosen as The Dragon Warrior and the one to defeat the newly escaped from jail Tai Lung. There is alot of physical comedy as Po attempts to train and become strong enough to defeat Tai Lung. The movie overall felt really short but was almost 2 hours in length. I suppose a good trait of a movie is that its able to keep you entertained so that you dont realize how much time has past. In the end Jack Black throws some classic Tencaious D in the mix by uttering the word, Skadoosh, which of course is nonsense but he mangaes to put that into every song anyways. For hardcore Tencaious D fans, see if you can figure out which character was played by JB's good buddy KG. Hint: its not a leading role, at all.
Overall score: 8/10
-What the fuck is a platypus supposed to be anyways?